Long term parenting
Another book I have finally read after talking about and around it for some time is Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. The cover claims enticingly that it is "A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom About Discipline".
This book stands in contrast to most in the parenting genre. It presents an entire alternative philosophy to that which is usually promoted (being rewards/punishments with the aim of controlling and managing children's behaviour). Back in January when I reviewed Louise Porter's Young Children's Behaviour: Practical Approaches for Caregivers and Teachers, I wrote:
I am happy to report that I still agree with myself.
Alfie Kohn presents not a prescription, but principles and broad alternatives for bringing up children. It's difficult to summarise in a paragraph, but it's about parenting gently and reflectively. He argues that rewards (including praise) and punishments are ineffective and unnecessary - at least if your parenting goals are focused on optimising children's moral development, rather than their compliance. It's about working with rather than doing to, about taking time, listening and perspective taking.
There's lots to quibble about with this book. Some of it lies in the semantics of what particular phrase would be praise, and which would be acknowledgement - and whether the child would be able to tell the difference anyway. But essentially this is a good book that asks some big questions of parents and doesn't provide quick fixes. What it does do is focus on the big picture and the long term - which makes so much sense.
I was struck while reading how important it can be to read works in their own context, and as a whole (rather than presenting single ideas in isolation). Certainly some of my own doubts and questions were answered as I read the ACTUAL BOOK rather than someone else talking about his ideas!
However, for a New Zealand audience, I would rate Louise Porter as the better read - it's a bit more in keeping with our cultural context. The book itself could have been pulled together a bit better too - it felt like a summary of several groups of ideas (which reading his list of previous publications, it probably is). Occasionally he wandered (for example, his appendix on race and class seemed to get taken over by corporal punishment). It was a bit frustrating that he took a long time (chapter 7) before he described what unconditional parenting was in any detail. And end notes are just annoying - I much prefer footnotes, otherwise I have to keep flicking backwards and forwards. But hooray for the substantial reference list! (Are you listening, Steve Biddulph?!)
However, I rate these ideas. It is such a relief to read about parenting through a lens of compassion, love and empathy. A great antidote to the power plays, scary emotional withdrawal techniques, or slap-ourselves-on-the-back-because-we're sooo-hilarious programmes currently popularised in New Zealand.
This book stands in contrast to most in the parenting genre. It presents an entire alternative philosophy to that which is usually promoted (being rewards/punishments with the aim of controlling and managing children's behaviour). Back in January when I reviewed Louise Porter's Young Children's Behaviour: Practical Approaches for Caregivers and Teachers, I wrote:
It is refreshing and interesting to have access to a complete body of work that forms a comprehensive alternative to behavioural management - especially if the star charts and times out are not working.
I am happy to report that I still agree with myself.
Alfie Kohn presents not a prescription, but principles and broad alternatives for bringing up children. It's difficult to summarise in a paragraph, but it's about parenting gently and reflectively. He argues that rewards (including praise) and punishments are ineffective and unnecessary - at least if your parenting goals are focused on optimising children's moral development, rather than their compliance. It's about working with rather than doing to, about taking time, listening and perspective taking.
There's lots to quibble about with this book. Some of it lies in the semantics of what particular phrase would be praise, and which would be acknowledgement - and whether the child would be able to tell the difference anyway. But essentially this is a good book that asks some big questions of parents and doesn't provide quick fixes. What it does do is focus on the big picture and the long term - which makes so much sense.
I was struck while reading how important it can be to read works in their own context, and as a whole (rather than presenting single ideas in isolation). Certainly some of my own doubts and questions were answered as I read the ACTUAL BOOK rather than someone else talking about his ideas!
However, for a New Zealand audience, I would rate Louise Porter as the better read - it's a bit more in keeping with our cultural context. The book itself could have been pulled together a bit better too - it felt like a summary of several groups of ideas (which reading his list of previous publications, it probably is). Occasionally he wandered (for example, his appendix on race and class seemed to get taken over by corporal punishment). It was a bit frustrating that he took a long time (chapter 7) before he described what unconditional parenting was in any detail. And end notes are just annoying - I much prefer footnotes, otherwise I have to keep flicking backwards and forwards. But hooray for the substantial reference list! (Are you listening, Steve Biddulph?!)
However, I rate these ideas. It is such a relief to read about parenting through a lens of compassion, love and empathy. A great antidote to the power plays, scary emotional withdrawal techniques, or slap-ourselves-on-the-back-because-we're sooo-hilarious programmes currently popularised in New Zealand.
Labels: reviews
posted by Mary at 7:48 pm
6 Comments:
yes, yes & yes (especially regarding the i'm-so-funny guy ;) ) you *have* to read Parenting for a Peaceful World!! it comes to much the same conclusions as kohn & porter (and quotes them both) but comes at it from a psycho-historical standpoint too, which is very interesting! it deals with the praise thing also, but summarises it with the rule of thumb of questioning one's *intent* with praise - ie are you thanking/praising your child purely out of gratitude/respect or because you want to make them do more of the same? i think that is an easier thing to keep in mind rather than what the correct prescribed phrase is ;)
must track down louise porter's book too..
So funny Nova, I just started reading Parenting for a Peaceful World a couple of nights ago!
I think the intent thing is really right too. I think a lot of people get sidetracked into scripts with the praise/acknowledgement thing rather than thinking about the principles behind it.
rofl it's a bit of a brick huh?! i got $3.80 in library late fees ;)
I'll never forget our friend Kate's comment that UP was both the dumbest and the cleverest book she had ever read. Somehow she summarised exactly how I felt about it - or at least how I felt after I heard how she felt! I'm not sure I can explain it - AK does seem to have ideas that nobody else has ever had (eg is it moral/effective to bribe/punish children into certain behaviour)? But at the same time he seems to miss some pretty obvious points too. Perhaps it is partly how people (mis)apply his advice - if you're explaining for the nth time that "hitting makes the baby sad" then something is awry!
I actually have a copy of this book which I do not want. On the other hand I do want to read Parenting for a Peaceful World, but have heard that it's a tearjerker, which I'm never in the mood for!
Yes, there's something missing in the Porter/Kohn approach, and I have been unable to put my finger on it yet. I think it has something to do with natural consequences. Certainly Kohn dismisses natural consequences in the book, but I actually think he is - dare I say it - wrong, as the examples he uses are what I would call a form of logical consequences - a different beast!
I am still inspired by his general direction and approach though.
I'm about half way through Parenting for a Peaceful World (Why wasn't it Parenting for a Peaceful Planet?? That is alliteratively interesting!). Anyway, it's annoying me a bit which is making me somewhat immune to the horrors he describes. But I'm still glad I'm reading it.
Post a Comment
<< Home