How to vote in the local body elections

Yes, it's that time again - postal voting has opened in the local body elections.

Here are some easy-to-follow instructions on how to vote. Choosing can be difficult - so many candidates, so many positions - so little known about who they are and what they stand for.... Remember, the key is not to identify candidates you like. It's more choosing who you dislike the least.

1. First, eliminate all candidates that have a body part in their head and shoulders shot that is not their head or shoulders. None of this leaning your chin on your hand rubbish. And while we're there, eliminate all candidates with their head at a funny angle. Clearly unsuited for public office.
2. Next, remove all candidates who have no photo at all. I mean, if you can't get a suitable picture in to the council offices by the deadline, how are you ever going to find your way to council meetings?
3. If voting for District Health Board positions, remove all doctors, nurses and other people who are seeking to govern the people they are currently working with. Couldn't think of a more blatant conflict of interest/patronage situation myself. (I am clearly in the minority here. Based on the results last time, it appears that most people think "Oooo, a doctor - now they must know all about governance, administration, allocation of resources and public health policy").
4. Eliminate the illiterate (nitpick through candidate biographies for errors in spelling or grammar), the unhinged, and those whose eyes are too close together.
5. Cross out the ex-All Blacks, former television stars and local "celebrities". Everyone else will vote for them solely on the basis of name recognition - why not share the love around instead?
6. Finally, choose something that makes you feel good about your vote. Child health. Maori rights. Save the penguins. Put a big tick next to any candidate who mentions your chosen issue.

And that's how to vote in the local body elections. Happy ranking!